Chapter Eight: When Giant Mutant Killer Thingies From Space Go Bad.
Cosmo screamed,[1] to ease the transition from the end of the last chapter. And because there were tall robed figures with glowing eyes and big sticks in front of him, obviously.
He stopped screaming briefly when he ran out of air and took a deep breath so he could start again, but instead spent the next few minutes in a violent coughing fit.
The tall robed figures watched him with interest; well, it was hard to tell exactly what they watched him with[2], so just to be on the safe side Cosmo assumed that it was interest. Interest in killing him as soon as they got the chance, that is. Though the question was academic, really, since he'd have coughed himself to death in a minute or two anyway.
Finally the tallest of the tall robed figures dropped his big stick and stalked over to Cosmo to slap him hard on the back. Cosmo stopped coughing and would have started screaming again if there'd been any air left in his lungs. But there wasn't, so he didn't.
Squid helped him back on his feet and patted him on the shoulder a few times. Then he pointed to the tallest of the figures. "Cosmo, this is Jeff." The figure gave a him a little wave.
Cosmo muttered something under his breath that might have been "Hi, pleased to meet you" or "Get the hell away from me, you psycho", and backed away as quickly as he dared.
"I'm sorry, I think he has a concussion or something. He's not normally this rude," Squid said to the figure. Then he turned back to Cosmo and hissed: "Be nice, damn it. They can help us!"
Cosmo finally found his voice again. "Help us? Have you seen the size of those sticks, Squid? They're going to prod us to death!"
"Shut up!" Squid hissed from the corner of his mouth while smiling stiffly at Jeff. Out loud, he said: "Really, I can't apologise enough," and kicked Cosmo surreptitiously.
Jeff waved his stick, and replied cheerfully: "Oh, don't worry about it -- we get that all the time. I think it's the eyes!" He pointed at the visual organs in question, just in case Squid hadn't yet noticed that they were on fire. "We've tried wearing dark glasses, you know, but that really doesn't work when you spend as much time underground as we do. You bump into things, see?"
Squid nodded sympathetically.
Cosmo, meanwhile, had backed away to the other end of the cave and was watching this exchange from a safe distance.[3]
Apart from Jeff, there were three other tall robed figures. Well, two tall robed figures, and one much shorter robed figure, with four legs and a tail. All three were carrying big pointy sticks and ominous expressions.[4]
Jeff noticed Cosmo staring at them and interrupted himself in mid-chatter to Squid. "Oh dear, where are my manners?" He pointed, one by one, at the other figures, and named them for Cosmo. "This is Hugo, my co-pilot. The gloomy-looking one here is Vinnie, and this is Greg. He's a dog." Cosmo could see absolutely no difference between the first two, but nodded anyway and tried to back away further. Greg trotted over to sniff at his toes.
There was a brief, vaguely embarrassed silence, until Squid nudged Jeff. "Show him the treasure map!"
"Oh yes, right, the map." Jeff began patting the parts of his robe that presumably contained pockets, muttering "Now where is it gone, I had it a moment ago..." and similar. Finally he gave a triumphant cry, pulled something from the dark folds and held it out for Cosmo, who snatched it from his hand and retreated back to the far wall.
It was a leaflet of some kind, its title page a brightly coloured photograph of a sunlit, but entirely unremarkable, bit of lawn. Printed in huge red letters underneath was:
THE TOURISM COUNCIL OF EAST XARKFORD WELCOMES YOU!!!
Cosmo turned the first page, and the entire leaflet unfolded into a map. It was unclear exactly what the area depicted was, but its shape was exactly that of a (slightly deformed) strawberry.[5]
Most of it appeared to be deserted, or at least not worth mentioning, and was thus held in an indifferent greyish colour. In the upper right-hand corner was a small, perfectly round, bright orange area, labelled "East Xarkford, City of ... Something Catchy. [Remember to fill this in later.]"
"The X is where the treasure is," Squid said, and pointed helpfully to the huge, bright red X that somebody had added to the map in crayon, and which Cosmo might otherwise have easily missed. Printed on the map underneath the X was a small black dot labelled "Legendary treasure site (secret)".
"Hmm." Cosmo frowned. "What kind of treasure is this?"
"It is said that it's a ..." Jeff paused dramatically, "... space ship!" An invisible orchestra played a dramatic chord.
"A space ship?" Cosmo repeated. There was another dramatic chord.
"That's right: a space ship!" Dramatic chord.
Cosmo looked around. "Who's doing that?" Dramatic chord, interrupted halfway through when the musicians realised that he hadn't said "space ship".
"Never mind that," Jeff said. "We're going to find this ... space ship!" Dramatic chord. Then a catchy theme starts playing, and the words "TO BE CONTINUED" appear in glowing letters in the air before Cosmo. The camera zooms in shakily on his confused face.
"What the f--"
The screen goes dark.
--
[1] Again.
[2] Well, yes, with their eyes, obviously.
[3] In this case, about three metres. It really was a very small cave.
[4] This is easy when your eyes look like two burning castles. From very high up. In a very dark night. Two perfectly round castles, quite close together, but with nothing in between, and before anyone has noticed that they're burning and has started to put bits of them out. Castles that, from very high up, look like a pair of glowing eyes.
So not much like castles at all, really.
In any case, it's hard not to look ominous with eyes like that, which was the point I was originally trying to make. So there.
[5] So basically a sort of blob, then.
He stopped screaming briefly when he ran out of air and took a deep breath so he could start again, but instead spent the next few minutes in a violent coughing fit.
The tall robed figures watched him with interest; well, it was hard to tell exactly what they watched him with[2], so just to be on the safe side Cosmo assumed that it was interest. Interest in killing him as soon as they got the chance, that is. Though the question was academic, really, since he'd have coughed himself to death in a minute or two anyway.
Finally the tallest of the tall robed figures dropped his big stick and stalked over to Cosmo to slap him hard on the back. Cosmo stopped coughing and would have started screaming again if there'd been any air left in his lungs. But there wasn't, so he didn't.
Squid helped him back on his feet and patted him on the shoulder a few times. Then he pointed to the tallest of the figures. "Cosmo, this is Jeff." The figure gave a him a little wave.
Cosmo muttered something under his breath that might have been "Hi, pleased to meet you" or "Get the hell away from me, you psycho", and backed away as quickly as he dared.
"I'm sorry, I think he has a concussion or something. He's not normally this rude," Squid said to the figure. Then he turned back to Cosmo and hissed: "Be nice, damn it. They can help us!"
Cosmo finally found his voice again. "Help us? Have you seen the size of those sticks, Squid? They're going to prod us to death!"
"Shut up!" Squid hissed from the corner of his mouth while smiling stiffly at Jeff. Out loud, he said: "Really, I can't apologise enough," and kicked Cosmo surreptitiously.
Jeff waved his stick, and replied cheerfully: "Oh, don't worry about it -- we get that all the time. I think it's the eyes!" He pointed at the visual organs in question, just in case Squid hadn't yet noticed that they were on fire. "We've tried wearing dark glasses, you know, but that really doesn't work when you spend as much time underground as we do. You bump into things, see?"
Squid nodded sympathetically.
Cosmo, meanwhile, had backed away to the other end of the cave and was watching this exchange from a safe distance.[3]
Apart from Jeff, there were three other tall robed figures. Well, two tall robed figures, and one much shorter robed figure, with four legs and a tail. All three were carrying big pointy sticks and ominous expressions.[4]
Jeff noticed Cosmo staring at them and interrupted himself in mid-chatter to Squid. "Oh dear, where are my manners?" He pointed, one by one, at the other figures, and named them for Cosmo. "This is Hugo, my co-pilot. The gloomy-looking one here is Vinnie, and this is Greg. He's a dog." Cosmo could see absolutely no difference between the first two, but nodded anyway and tried to back away further. Greg trotted over to sniff at his toes.
There was a brief, vaguely embarrassed silence, until Squid nudged Jeff. "Show him the treasure map!"
"Oh yes, right, the map." Jeff began patting the parts of his robe that presumably contained pockets, muttering "Now where is it gone, I had it a moment ago..." and similar. Finally he gave a triumphant cry, pulled something from the dark folds and held it out for Cosmo, who snatched it from his hand and retreated back to the far wall.
It was a leaflet of some kind, its title page a brightly coloured photograph of a sunlit, but entirely unremarkable, bit of lawn. Printed in huge red letters underneath was:
THE TOURISM COUNCIL OF EAST XARKFORD WELCOMES YOU!!!
"There is nothing to do here, so you might as well relax!"
Cosmo turned the first page, and the entire leaflet unfolded into a map. It was unclear exactly what the area depicted was, but its shape was exactly that of a (slightly deformed) strawberry.[5]
Most of it appeared to be deserted, or at least not worth mentioning, and was thus held in an indifferent greyish colour. In the upper right-hand corner was a small, perfectly round, bright orange area, labelled "East Xarkford, City of ... Something Catchy. [Remember to fill this in later.]"
"The X is where the treasure is," Squid said, and pointed helpfully to the huge, bright red X that somebody had added to the map in crayon, and which Cosmo might otherwise have easily missed. Printed on the map underneath the X was a small black dot labelled "Legendary treasure site (secret)".
"Hmm." Cosmo frowned. "What kind of treasure is this?"
"It is said that it's a ..." Jeff paused dramatically, "... space ship!" An invisible orchestra played a dramatic chord.
"A space ship?" Cosmo repeated. There was another dramatic chord.
"That's right: a space ship!" Dramatic chord.
Cosmo looked around. "Who's doing that?" Dramatic chord, interrupted halfway through when the musicians realised that he hadn't said "space ship".
"Never mind that," Jeff said. "We're going to find this ... space ship!" Dramatic chord. Then a catchy theme starts playing, and the words "TO BE CONTINUED" appear in glowing letters in the air before Cosmo. The camera zooms in shakily on his confused face.
"What the f--"
The screen goes dark.
--
[1] Again.
[2] Well, yes, with their eyes, obviously.
[3] In this case, about three metres. It really was a very small cave.
[4] This is easy when your eyes look like two burning castles. From very high up. In a very dark night. Two perfectly round castles, quite close together, but with nothing in between, and before anyone has noticed that they're burning and has started to put bits of them out. Castles that, from very high up, look like a pair of glowing eyes.
So not much like castles at all, really.
In any case, it's hard not to look ominous with eyes like that, which was the point I was originally trying to make. So there.
[5] So basically a sort of blob, then.
posted by Satu at 12:21 pm
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