Chapter One: Attack of the Giant Space Octopuses.[1]

"Cos, I think we're going to die."

Cosmo's eyes narrowed as he stared at the approaching shapes. He was compelled to agree with Squid. This time, they really were in deep trouble.

It wasn't that there were so many of the bloody things. It wasn't that they were so big, and so ... tentacled. It wasn't even that they were out of fuel[2], or that in the last few hours unpleasant clunking noises had begun to emanate from what Cosmo liked to refer to as "the bowels of the ship". Nor was it that they were lost in this godsforsaken quadrant of space, hundreds of light years from anything worth putting on a map, or that they only had supplies for another day or so. No, it was ... Cosmo paused, and reconsidered. Actually, it was all of those things, and more.

He watched absently as one of the things' tentacles attached itself to the central screen and obscured any further view of what was going on outside. The noise it made reminded him of his childhood; his grandmother's kisses had sounded exactly like that. She would hand him a slice of freshly baked cake[3], give him one of those big sloppy kisses and say...

"I think they're going to crush us to death."

No, she never said that. She'd say...

"Hey boss, are you listening?"

No, she never called him "boss". She would...--Ow! She also never poked him in the ribs like that. Cosmo gave up trying to remember and returned to reality, where Squid was waving a hand in front of his face and looking at him urgently.

"Yes, what is it? Oh." His glance fell on the view screen, which was now showing nothing but the slimy purple underside of a giant sucker. "The tentacled thingies. Right." He thought for a moment. "Squid, how much ammo do we have left?"

"Erm, we're all out, Cos. Remember, you traded the last of our torpedoes for a month's supply of strawberry cheesecake three weeks ago."

"Oh! Yes! Yes, of course. Great cheesecake, that was. Well, not to worry. We still have that bottle of Giant Space Octopus repellent we bought from that guy at the ... thing. Don't we?"

"No, you drank it all last week. It wasn't real GSO repellent anyway, just vodka with green food colouring mixed in."

"Oh, right. I knew that, of course. Well then, we still have the..." He trailed off, one hand hovering uncertainly in mid-wave. He looked at Squid hopefully, but his friend simply shrugged.

"Told you we were going to die."

The sound of splintering metal came from some remote part of the ship and set Cosmo's teeth on edge. One of the control panels at the back of the bridge flew open and began to spray sparks, for no discernible reason. Warning lights flashed, and an alarm that Cosmo had never heard before blared through hidden loudspeakers.

As Cosmo watched the bridge starting to shrink, he suddenly had an idea. "Squid! To the escape pods!"

"Umm..." began Squid. Cosmo glared at him.

"Don't tell me we've lost those somewhere, too."

"Last week. The poker game with those really unpleasant blue guys...? They got my watch, and your escape pods."

"Damn." Cosmo chewed his lip in frustration, while hairline cracks began to spread across the big screen. "Wait a minute, Squid! I didn't lose that game!"

Squid frowned. "Are you sure?"

"Positive! To the escape pods!" He pointed dramatically.

"It's this way."

"Shut up."


The escape pods turned out to be escape pod, in the singular, and barely large enough for both of them to squeeze in. But the threat of being hugged to death by giant tentacles can do wonders for your flexibility, and Cosmo finally pulled the hatch shut, despite Squid's knees poking into his left eye.

A moment later the pod was floating in space, and Cosmo watched between Squid's legs as the remaining bits of his ship were crushed by thick green tentacles.

He sniffed. "Goodbye, my sweet Daffodil! You were a fine ship."

"That's not what you used to say. 'Shit pile' I believe was the term?"

"Shut up, Squid. I'm grieving."

They watched in silence as the last Giant Space Octopus released its grip on the Daffodil and started to float away aimlessly, the escape pod too small to attract its interest. All that remained was a pile of debris, bent pieces of metal spinning and colliding in a slow, strange dance.

Cosmo sighed deeply, took one last look at the heart-breaking scene outside, and pushed the large red button in front of him. The engine beneath their feet sprung into life, and the pod arced gracefully across open space towards an unknown destination, where new adventures lay in wait for them.

"Cosmo?"

"Yes, Squid?"

"If you didn't lose that poker game, then how come I never got my watch back?"

"Shut up, Squid."

--
[1] Or Octopi, if you prefer.

[2] Cosmo and Squid, that is. Cosmo wasn't sure what those Things ran on, but it looked like they still had plenty of it.

[3] So freshly baked, in fact, that it would usually scorch his fingers as soon as he touched it. But it's the thought that counts.