Chapter Three: A Chapter Called Bob.

Cosmo came to with a vague feeling that he was in trouble. It was just a hunch, really; or maybe a woman's intuition.[1] Or it could have been something to do with the fact that he was in a jail cell. A jail cell apparently dug out of the earth, and made for somebody about ten times smaller than him. His knees were folded up to his ears, and he very much doubted that he'd ever be able to straighten his neck again. Inches away from his nose was a row of surprisingly sturdy-looking metal bars, and on the other side of these bars was a corridor, also dug out of the earth. He spent a few minutes absorbing these details, and waiting for his memory to wake up and supply him with the rest of the story.

Ah. The small green fuzzy things with the big pointy spears. They hadn't been at all pleased to see him and Squid, and had jabbered angrily at them for quite some time. Any attempts to communicate with them had failed: his mime for "We're quite friendly, I assure you. We will not, for example, wave our arms menacingly and scream in a terrifying manner, like so," had not been received well, but things had really started to go wrong when Squid attempted an interpretive dance to the same effect. Cosmo's memory was hazy on the details, but then the only detail he really needed was the fact that he had ended up locked in this cell with a head that felt as though it might burst at any moment.[2]

He had no more time to ponder the situation and feel sorry for himself, however. A door creaked somewhere nearby, and one of the small green fuzzy things appeared in his limited field of vision. It was, for some reason, wearing a long black cape that billowed dramatically behind it.[3] It began to pace up and down the corridor, jabbering animatedly and with a very serious expression on its fuzzy little green face. Dramatic hand gestures were also involved.[4]

After a while the small green fuzzy thing stopped jabbering and pacing right in front of Cosmo's cell, turned, and looked at him expectantly.

Cosmo peered back, unsure of what to do. The thing obviously didn't understand his language, and took great offence at miming.[5] So he simply gave what he hoped was a non-threatening smile.

It didn't work. The thing screeched something, accompanied by more dramatic hand gestures, turned around and stormed off, cape billowing more dramatically than ever.


Shortly afterwards, two small green fuzzy things with big pointy spears appeared. One of them was carrying a large bundle of keys, and spent a long time looking for the one that fit the cell door. Eventually it succeeded, but even with the door unlocked, it still took them several minutes of very enthusiastic use of their spears to extract Cosmo from the cell.

Once this was successfully negotiated, he was marched[6] down the corridor, through the creaky door he'd heard earlier, up some very steep stairs, and finally out, blinking, into the sunshine. Squid was already there, looking rather dusty and surrounded by more of the small green fuzzy things. He seemed to be vaguely annoyed about something, but Cosmo couldn't tell what; he had no time to ask, because the small green fuzzy things immediately began to poke their big pointy spears at them and gestured towards a narrow path disappearing into a nearby forest. Cosmo and Squid looked at each other, shrugged, and began to move in the direction pointed out.

The forest was unremarkable. Ordinary-looking trees lined the path, complete with ordinary brown trunks, ordinary green leaves, and perfectly normal huge fluffy purple things singing in the branches.

At length they reached a clearing, which was empty apart from a long, low wall, about the same height as the average small green fuzzy thing. The wall was painted white, but there were some very odd bright purple stains on it. They looked a bit like blood stains, if you were colour blind. Facing the wall stood a row of small green fuzzy things, each holding something oversized and suspiciously gun-like.

The small green fuzzy guards prodded them with spears until they both lined up in front of the wall. One of the small green fuzzy firing squad said something under its breath, and the others burst into laughter. Then one of them stepped up to Cosmo and handed him a blindfold. Granted, it was a blindfold designed for somebody with a much smaller head and extendable eyes, but the thought was there.

Suddenly, the black-caped small green fuzzy thing from the prison scene appeared; he carried a piece of paper in one hand, and a grimly determined expression on his face. He stopped in the middle of the clearing, between the prisoners and the firing squad, and jabbered importantly at great length and with many dramatic hand gestures. The speech ended with a look that almost put the firing squad out of a job. Then he stormed off, cape billowing. Dramatically.

Cosmo watched warily as the firing squad raised their weapons and took aim.

"Squid? I just wanted to say..."

"Yes, Cosmo?"

"This is all your fault."

"I hate you, Cosmo."

"Shut up, Squid."

--
[1] Though which particular woman this intuition belonged to was unclear.

[2] Which, by the way, he felt might be an improvement.

[3] This was because, just off camera, another small green fuzzy thing was crouching before him with what looked like a pair of bellows, to provide a breeze for the cape to billow in. Dramatically.

[4] These are easy when you have so many hands to gesture with.

[5] Not that he could have mimed anything at that moment, what with his hands being stuck somewhere under his feet.

[6] This was less dignified than it sounds. The corridors being as low as they were, Cosmo was mostly crawling on his knees, one guard in front leading the way and the other behind him, offering friendly encouragement in the form of a big pointy spear whenever Cosmo didn't go fast enough.[7]

[7] Quite a few times, in fact. The guard obviously took his job very seriously.